Chris Kidwell
Defence/ Midfield

Football: One of the new signings brought in to add some steel to the centre of the park, and with the tackling ability of Paul Scholes the opposition always dread the name Kidwell on the team sheet. Known for his solid tackles he has been a likened to a ‘lamp post’ by team mate Ian Harris. His decision to join Darkside has also lifted the odds of the team finishing with silverware as he has won an average 1.3 medals per season.

However, after a stint without first team football, there are murmurs in the tabloids that Tanna is taking a risk on this player. But the same things were said of greats like Collymore, Gascoigne and Di Canio. Well, on that form he may find himself transfer listed in the January window.

Hobbies: Sharpening his studs, chewing glass and floral arrangements.

Best chat up line: Okay, so I came over here, but I'm kinda concerned. We could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number, I call and we take in a movie, we spend a lot of time together, then develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out, you throw me out and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. If we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual.

Best joke: Why are there no headaches in the jungle…..cos the parrots/eat/them/all.