Phill Neill
Defence/ Midfield

Football: The 6ft 2in charismatic Player/Chairman, also know as the 'Gaffa' demands success from his team. Leading by example this roaming defensive, midfield, attacking winger is the modern day utility player, the only way to make it into the cosmopolitan line-up of this seasons Darkside. Best known in the KDFL for taking a ramshackle, smacked up bunch of no hopers and hoodlums from the streets at the bottom of Divison Five to the dizzy heights of midtable (Divison Five still) and a Cup Final, this season he has brought in the renowned coach, Tanna the Tortoise. A deep thinker, who now runs things on match days moving up and down the line like Demis Rousos on Speed and leaving Neill to focus on his game and the board room politics off the field. Fending off ground moves to both the Shetlands and Telford, Neill remains true to the fans and a real favourite for the Balaclava Posse.

As a Manager he was likened to some of the best from the last 20 years, Clough with Forrest, Wenger with Arsenal and Pleat with Luton, however he was probably ahead of his time as a Manager, the flat back eleven and the Christmas tree with fairy's and lights formation fooled more than just the opposition.

As a player he has been likened to Waddle and Hoddle, mostly for his singing attributes and renditions of lines such as 'Baby I love you' from the classic 80's hit 'Diamond Lights'. Although hampered by knee injuries and style threatening hair loss, Neill has shown the commitment demanded by the new regime at the Darkside and risen from adversity with a mix of wit, personality and a few Jedi mind tricks to command the dressing room, the pitch, the League, the FA and no doubt it won't belong before Azerbaijan or Wales start enquiring about his availability as national Coach... driver.

The highest accolade for any player, Neill, has been awarded Best Dressed member of the Dark Side squad two years running, but with the new cool young blonde girls coming in, it may not only be his dominance on pitch that will be tested this season.

Hobbies: Cooking, wine tasting, ferreting around, mud wrestling, canapes.

Best chat up line: You know that Roman Abramovich, I'm just like him really except I play and most of my team are smacked up on a cocktail drugs and alcohol.

Best joke: To follow...