Richard Deare
Midfield

Football: He was born with no name. Raised shackled up in his barbaric parent's cellar on a diet of pedigree chum and Windowlene, he spent much of his childhood whittling a discarded cheeseboard into the shape of Peter "Biff" Byford from Saxon. On the football field he is a laxative fusion of blood-chilling recklessness and the clinically insane. A joy to watch, especially if you have never witnessed cold, naked hate before.That is not to say he doesn't have a sensitive side. It is said he had tears in his eyes and whispered ever so softly the word "mother" as he paralysed the milk marketing board's centre half.

Hobbies: Anger, collecting interesting old copies of the Radio Times.

Best chat up line: Has said anything since 1998.

Best joke: Assaulting a clown at the West Ewell carnival.