Theo Boyce
Forward

Football: Theo is, by nature, a positional nomad who hunts for the ball with the sort of savage, bug-eyed determination usually reserved for those suffering extreme chemical addictions. However, this defensive drive is often eclipsed by his more favoured attacking instincts that once rewarded him with a hat-rick for Chelsea FC Under 16s against Birmingham many years ago. Such ability has long since drained away and he now prefers to play up front and take his chances.

Hobbies: Reminiscing, Djing, writing erotic novels, getting emotional about Chelsea.

Best chat up line: Why don't I slip into something more comfortable... like nakedness!

Best joke: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!